Lembas Bread..... Well, thats what I intended at least

Okay has everyone gone to the bathroom yet? If not, go now, I don't want you to lose it because you're laughing so hard reading this.

It all started as a simple thing, to get yesterday's photos the girls had been bribed with lembas bread. If you're not a huge LOTR geek, its a bread that Tolkien wrote could fill the stomach of a grown man with just one bite. Its a way bread.

Let me preface this story by saying, my husband is on an long TAD period so I'm going a little nuts anyway... I broke a door today, had to mow the lawn, got a clothing delivery that I'm going to have to alter and hem just to have clothes that will fit my girls which seriously irks me - I buy clothes to save myself the hassle and time investment of this, and then to have to do it anyway - you get my drift. My oldest has been sick because she cries so hard for her dad at night she either ingests too much air, leading to puke or her stomach muscle just can't handle it, leading to puke - either way, serious meltdown at bedtime leads to puke the next day. Fun times. Now that you have the back story, let's get to the real story!!!

I found a pin on pinterest that lead me to a recipe. There are curse words in her tutorial, so be forewarned. It is not from the U.S.... which is important in baking. Because of that whole metric system thing..... yeah. Don't forget that. And the recipe makes 8 pieces of lembas and uses what comes out to 1.5 cups of flour, but I didn't think I had enough so I decided to half the recipe, because 4 pieces is enough for the 3 of us. I printed out the ingredients. Not the directions.

Let me tell you something about my family's track record with directions. Hand to God, this is the truth. We do not read directions. My grandmother, on my mother's side, started it... so I suppose its not a long-standing well-known fact but... Anyway... You blow up your house, you get to start that kind of a legacy. Yep, she sure did. She put an ant fogger by the water heater. Sure, she may have blown some walls down, but those freaking ants didn't dare come by her house for a while ;)

Back to my keeping with this tradition - I went into the kitchen with the ingredients on a sheet of paper, well most of the ingredients, my printer was being a punkasaurus but I knew what was missing. I put in the flour, divided it by two, put in the salt, put in the baking powder which was in tbsp so I was good. Put in the honey, also written out in tbsp. Then I put in the butter. I had to convert the butter from grams to cups. The juice of half a lemon. After adding it, I realized I hadn't halved it. In fact, I had not halved anything but the flour. "Well crap" I said. Little voices on my left go "Ooooooooooooooooooh!" and giggled. So I looked inside my flour container and poured the rest of it in. Tapped the bottom. Shook it. Yeah, that was everything and I wasn't sure it was enough. "Screw it" I said. "Ooooooooooooooooooooh!" Again. I turn on the beaters, and the mixture goes up the beaters. It looks like two corn cobs now. Groan!!!!


Well, what the heck right?! I pour in the milk.... and my kitchen is a Bounty commercial. You know the kind - usually the husband is the culprit and batter is flying everywhere. Giggling galore - and not from me..... with some finagling, I am able to get the mixture off the beaters. But now it looks like soup.



















I probably looked a little nuts as I just threw some sugar, an egg and some vanilla in there. Amounts? No freaking clue. Did I care at that point? No. I greased some muffin tins and though "They'll just be lembas inspired today - I don't have to make stinking lembas today."

Tossed them in the oven (hmmm, lots of throwing and tossing in the kitchen today, apparently heehee) for 15 minutes and I had amazing muffins. Plain, not sweet, a very slight lemon taste to them.

I made two ummmm, frostings, shall we call them? Let's use the term loosely. Yes "frostings". One was supposed to be like a glaze, I poured some milk, juice from the other half of the lemon and some powdered sugar together. My inspiration here was the glaze on the top of the lemon pound cakes at Starbucks and nothing could have been further from....

Take two, I put some whipped cream and sugar in a bowl, whipped it and then added a little maple syrup to it. And this was frickin' delicious. So there you go, lembas inspired cupcakes with maple whipped cream frosting.

 Internal dialogue: Voice A "That was lucky"
                           Voice B "A baker is never lucky. She bakes precisely what she means to"   ;)

And  this child walked towards me with whipped cream "frosting" on her hands as I type up the blog. Bedtime? Bedtime anyone????